Some SMILES

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

-----------

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put
$50
in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

--------------------
Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?